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Boyfriends » Blogging AS an Aspie
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Matt has Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and is writing this blog so that people can gain more of an insight into how people with the condition process thoughts, feel emotions, react to situations and generally handle life.
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17 Mar 08 Boyfriends

I’ve been thinking, about relationships. The trouble is, not much bothers me about them, and it’s just there is this one social situation I envisage that really does.

My relationship history is not very impressive. I’ve had one “serious” relationship when I was 8; one internet relationship when I was 15; and one relationship with another Aspie & AD/HD when I was 17. I have never “gone all the way”; though have had one encounter that caused quite a bit of embarrassment. So, relationships in themselves are social situations for which I do not know the ‘protocol’ (as a manager put it).

I flirt, a lot, with many girls (it’s been said way too often that I could flirt for England). Some I know have boyfriends, some I know are single, and some I don’t know much about anyway. None of this bothers me. Maybe it should, but it doesn’t. I know I flirt, and for the most part, it’s harmless; at least I think it’s harmless. I don’t think I mean anything by it, at least not most of the time.

The internet relationship I had when I was 15 broke apart for a simple reason, we never saw each other! Since then, I’ve seen her a few times, and it’s complicated to say the least. I flirt with her, but that’s normal for me. Neither of us knows exactly how we feel for each other, and that’s only the start; I don’t think we’re going anywhere, and I believe that would be for the best. I know she’s engaged to somebody, and that doesn’t bother me. I know it should, in a lot of ways, but it doesn’t.

It’s well-known I fancy/have-a-crush-on some of the young female members of staff at the specialist college I’m at. I know I’ve got no chance whatsoever, and that there’s no point even dreaming. Yet I still flirt, mainly because it’s fun, and because I know I can mostly get away with flirting. I would never take things any further, and I would never make any kind of advances. It doesn’t bother me, but so far nothing has!

Then there’s this young lady, who I feel is really special to me. She’s the only female (outside of those compelled to, like staff) that likes me as a person, is a good friend to me, and (I at least think she) cares about me. She’s the only young lady I can honestly say I like & fancy, but have so far not ballsed-it-up with; normally I would have became obsessive, stalked her, continually complimented her, or otherwise harassed her. There’s something about her that makes her special to me, but I can’t describe it. She is the closest friend I currently have. By empathotypical standards, I am unsure whether it counts as a ‘close’ friendship or not. She’s ‘hot’, but of all the young ladies I’ve thought are ‘hot’ and tried to befriend, she has the weakest personality; yet she is the only one who has managed to keep me appropriate around her. She’s not a weak character, I know she’d stand up to me if I annoyed/harassed her, yet when asked by my support worker, she apparently said my interactions were both good and appropriate. As far as I am aware, she’s single. But I haven’t asked her out, either directly or indirectly (as in “would you like to go for a coffee?”); because I lack the confidence. I have thought of lots of ‘engineered scenarios’ that would remove the need for me to be confident and just to ask her; yet every time I try to set one of these up, I lose bottle and stop myself at the last minute, and end up looking a slight fool thinking quickly of something else to say. The saddest thing of all: none of that bothers me!

To ensure I do keep myself appropriate, I sometimes think of social scenarios I could find myself in with her, and plan my response, her counter-response, and so on. Then, I decide if they were good or not, and think of alternates that could be better. There is one scenario which keeps coming up in my head very often; it’s the ‘her saying “I’ve got a boyfriend”‘ scenario. Every time I think about it, I have the same response; I try to hold back tears, run away to somewhere quiet, and cry for some considerable time whilst I think about how I’m feeling. Of course, I think about the alternates like trying to smile and talk to her, or making a sensible reason to leave and walking away until I can deal with it. But nothing stops me from wanting to cry there and then. That bothers me, it bothers me a lot.

I know I should be happy for her. And it’s that fact that bothers me, that simple fact of know ing how I should feel, but not being able to make myself feel it that bothers me. Her having the boyfriend does bother me, but the level of bother is insignificant in comparison. Sometimes not knowing why one can’t feel the way one should, and knowing that one would not even be able to act in that way can make oneself feel rather low.

Now, I know this entire blog post has effectively been a total waste of time; she likes me as a friend, and not as much as I like her. I respect that. If I had the confidence to ask her out, I’m not so sure that I would. Problem is, I don’t know how ‘close’ we are in terms of empathotypical standards, and I certainly have no clue as to whether we are getting closer or more distant. I know people and their feelings change, what I also know is that they change for both better and for worse. I don’t know if I’ll ask her out, of if she’ll say yes if I did. Maybe, just maybe…

Reader's Comments

  1.    

    Matt take some advice and dont over think things.

    Holding on the hope that oneday things with this girl you like will become more than they currently are, is limiting you’re view of others and as result you could be ignoring girls that are here now. Keep your eyes open and don’t throw all your feelings into one girl that is unlikely to want anything more than just friends.

    To be honest Matt i think that you idolise this girl and you’re totally forgetting or ignoring the other people that care about you.

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  2.    

    Matt,
    First, don’t even think about it. I know exactly who the “young lady” in question is. She “only likes you as a friend”.
    Second, I agree with Jess. The moment you start analyzing things it’s time to stop. I know you are a secial circumstance, but ha-way man!
    Third, the “young lady” will probably read this and ask me to reinforce to you, yet again, that she does “only like you as a friend”. And she is from Throckley so she can take her self if u get “too close” or Harrass/Stalk her.

    Reply to this comment
  3.    

    Jess, I’ve learnt that one, but sometimes it helps to write things down so I can actually look at how I’m thinking! Also, I know it’s a bad idea, but one cannot help how one feels – you should know that better than anybody. And I don’t idolise her in the way you think – I consider her special to me, is that such a crime?

    Tom, too late – I am thinking about it. And, like you’ve said yourself, the young lady can “take her self”, so therefore shouldn’t need you to reinforce a text message I have save on my phone from November.

    One thing I should add:
    I was very careful with the wording I chose on the note. I deliberately did not use the word “love”, because I believe there is a clear distinction between somebody feeling someone is special to them, and somebody feeling they love someone. Nobody can control how they feel about somebody – but equally, I can’t always say how I am feeling accurately!

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