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Caring » Blogging AS an Aspie
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Matt has Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and is writing this blog so that people can gain more of an insight into how people with the condition process thoughts, feel emotions, react to situations and generally handle life.
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20 Mar 08 Caring

I should name this post ‘Boyfriends 2‘ because it’s an unplanned sequel to Monday’s early morning post. When I wrote that post, I didn’t realise the social situation I was thinking about was, at that point, inevitable. I didn’t know she was in a relationship. So it came as a shock to me, when we’d effectively been flirting by text half the night, that she mentioned something that implied she was seeing somebody. My response was following protocol to the letter: assess the situation, make a cup of tea, sit down, and take a couple of deep breaths.

I clarified what she meant. She meant she was no longer single. Since when? Who? Whilst these questions raced through my mind, my physiological response had already begun. Unfortunately, it was as I predicted. And I’m not surrounded by support staff. ‘Crisis without immediately available support’ drills immediately in effect, and I went into autopilot. I’m at home with my parents presently, and I’m not going to cry in front of them. As I awaited her response, I done what the drill tells me, write everything down, keep detailed time-stamped notes, and log all my emotions and their reasons.

I almost cried as I was doing that. Of course I did, my illusions had been shattered, and I was heartbroken. There was no hope, or so it seemed. I rang my mate from the same class, he fancies her too, and was as shocked as I was at the news. Nothing anybody could say would make me feel better. Saying that, my past behavioural trends say a lot at this point. Had I been in halls, I would have been 1:1’d immediately, and no doubts my phone would have been confiscated. Damage limitation; let’s get Matt so he can sleep for at least some of tonight.

Then the questions that have no point. What if? Maybe… If only I’d…I wish I could’ve just… What if I had told her how I really feel “a few weeks” ago, and had the confidence to ask her out?

Ok, notes made. Next step is to analyse my thought processes and emotions; this is so that I can use these to write immediate action strategies so that I can stay focussed all tomorrow, and I will still be able to seem fairly normal. I’m not in a position to do any of this. Contingency plans are being thought of as I fight the tears, yet I still don’t know what to do. At this point, I believe I won’t be able to get a strategy in place for tomorrow, so I use some of my own crisis limitation techniques: I text her, asking her to read this blog; hoping it will explain why I will not be my usual self.

When I ring her to help her understand me a little more, she hadn’t read all of the blog. As I tried to explain that I didn’t feel I could be my normal self tomorrow, she gave an off-hand comment that made me smile and laugh; anybody else this would have made me burst into tears because they didn’t get it. She didn’t, but she did; I know she wants to understand, but sometimes doesn’t link everything together. She made me want to cry a second time, but this time it was through happiness.

She made me want to cry a third time; she sent me a text, saying how I deserve somebody who cares about me as much as I care about them. Ironically, she needed to care about me quite a lot in order to send me that comment, I mused. I know she cares, because it’s not the only time she’s sent me that type of comment; I don’t think she realises how much she actually cares! I smiled, and almost cried. I don’t know how, but I know, for the present time, that I’m happy for her as long as she is happy. If (or when) things change, I’ll be there for her because I sincerely care about her. No matter what happens between us, I will always be eternally grateful to her, she has managed to (without realising) change my behaviour much for the better. I know I’ll be there for her no matter what, I only wish I’d talked to her about this sooner…

What have done that was so RIGHT?

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