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Keeping it level » Blogging AS an Aspie
Matt has Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and is writing this blog so that people can gain more of an insight into how people with the condition process thoughts, feel emotions, react to situations and generally handle life.

20 Mar 08 Keeping it level

I had a lesson with the friend I mention in Caring & Boyfriends, and yet again I managed to impress myself. This time, it was a lot to do with my new found ability to self-control more that it was her being nice to me. Although she was really nice and understanding, despite me feeling I was slightly more withdrawn from her than normal?

The first thing I did when I saw my support staff was to give her my notes from last night to read, at least she’d know what had gone on. And although she wanted to help, we had a problem, there is no on-call system for the holidays, and she isn’t aware of anything to do with me & my friend, and how I feel about her. So effectively all she could do was take notes, and give as much generic advice as she had at her disposal. Don’t you love it when a single academic service provider manages to screw up so badly it is the only educational establishment in the country taking the Easter holidays at a different time to everywhere else?

I realised quite quickly that the less I thought about my friend being in a relationship the easier it was going to be for me. I know she said she’d talk to me about it, but that needs to be at an appropriate time, and one of her choosing! Of course, really good theory, until a rather loud friend said “Paper based presents (homework) are the best thing I can do at home” which was replied from another student with “You need some sex mate!” My mind simultaneously focussed on three things, firstly it thought of my friend in the relationship – although, frankly, her sex life is none of my business – and my heart just sank that little bit lower. Secondly, it reminded me of my virginity, and as I looked round the class, and thought of the people I liked, I sharp realised I was probably the minority. Finally, my mind kindly told me I was not in a relationship, so that rules out all sex for a while. Although, as I then thought, it’s not the sex that I was bothered about; it was me being single, and my friend being in a relationship that hit me.

For a lot of the session, I felt as if I could just run away to somewhere and cry, exactly as I’d predicted earlier. However, I was able to maintain my usual happy presence, particularly as I was sitting next to my friend, who effectively told me to be my normal self because she didn’t want to be happy/hyper on her own. Awww, I thought that has some level of sweetness in it.

I was quite nervous for most of the lesson, assuming that according to my behavioural trends, I would end up making a mess of things with my friend. I do wish I could just be myself, but I am thinking way too much about how I should be acting that I can’t even manage that. Right now I hate having AS, but as my friend reminded me last night, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have it, would I?

In addition to all that, I have butterflies filling my stomach, because I know I haven’t told my friend everything about how I feel about her. I’ve told a manager with the service provider about my feelings for this friend more than I’ve told the friend herself. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from this, it’s to tell somebody how you’re feeling while you have the chance, things can change ever so quickly, and that chance may be gone forever! I won’t tell her know however, she’s happy with her boyfriend, and I don’t want to say anything that might upset her or make her feel guilty.

One small irony: as I wrote this the song “Stay the Night” by Ghosts came on, and I smiled at the line “If it’s a question of timing, I’ll wait.” I wish I hadn’t waited earlier, but now I will…


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