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Spicing it up » Blogging AS an Aspie
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Matt has Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and is writing this blog so that people can gain more of an insight into how people with the condition process thoughts, feel emotions, react to situations and generally handle life.
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07 Apr 08 Spicing it up

I always watch BBC One’s Holby City on a Tuesday evening, and last week was no exception to that. What struck me was Joe Byrne (who shows a lot of Aspie traits) asking his manager (and fatherly figure) Elliot Hope for some advice; he implied to him that he was having trouble in the bedroom, and not being able to make, you know, it last. Even better was Elliot’s metaphorical analogy of it being like cooking. I could see where he was coming from, but couldn’t really relate to it; for me, the kitchen door has yet to open!

Elliot was talking about how you need to achieve certain things, for example following the recipe, having the oven at the correct temperature, and cooking for the correct amount of time. He went on to say that, with more confidence and experience, you go on to adapt the recipe, perhaps by adding some extra spice, or a little bit longer cooking.

Being a typical Aspie, I like to examine every little detail, and take things to the nth degree. So, my analysis of the metaphorical cooking:

Firstly, you have to gather all the correct ingredients. Just as you can’t make a sandwich without bread, you shouldn’t attempt sex without protection (be it in the form of a condom, femidom, pill, IUD, implant, etc). Not only are physical ingredients, but the emotional ones are much more valued: love, trust, passion, and most importantly – mutual consent.

Secondly, you should follow the recipe, particularly if you’ve made the meal before. Just as you don’t add the margarine to the flour in a cake, you don’t start with consent and try and add the trust to it. You need to start with your firm base of love, and then gently work up the trust on top of it. Once you have that, you can start adding some passion to the mix, and top it with consent. Of course, every recipe tells you the temperature of the oven, and this is no exception; sex simply does not cook on a cold heat, you really need a hot oven to get things going.

Thirdly, you need to cook the mixture for the right amount of time. Too little time and you’ll have a floppy pudding, too much and you’ll burn yourself out. Get it just right, and you’ll have created a sensual delight hard to beat.

Finally, it’s no good spending all that time in the kitchen to serve something that looks awful. A good chef always puts as much effort into the presentation as to the cooking. You’ve got to present your meal in the right way, with lots of thought going into the setting, the atmosphere, and the build up. Nobody likes to go straight to dessert, so you should have a good, simple starter planned, followed by an enjoyable main course. Only then can you go on to show your tempting masterpiece.

If you’ve done well with all your cooking, you should be able to finish off with some squirty cream!

The above post is written very tongue-in-cheek, and should not be taken literally!

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