She is a friendly enough girl, in fact it’s fair to say that she gets on with pretty much everybody at college, has a large circle of friends, and is incredibly sociable. It’s crossed my mind more than once that she may well be in college purely to build a social network!
But in the lesson I have with her, she displays a lack of confidence, which usually comes across as attention-seeking. Though it may be possible that the low confidence and attention-seeking are entirely seperate issues. It’s hard to say why she’s not confident about the work, because in the time I’ve seen her focus and do it, she is more than capable of answering the questions correctly.
As well as that, she is usally asking for help, either by ‘disrupting’ other people or shouting the lecturer’s name out loud. Whilst it’s excellent that she recognises her need for support, I can’t help but wonder if perhaps there are other, more appropriate ways of going about obtaining it! This can often lead to other people trying to help, which may contribute towards the next problem…
The habit of continual talking. I know this is something I am quite an expert on, but not even I am that bad! It starts with the subject, but quickly moves off to everybody’s social life and anything else she feels like talking about. Quite often we have discussion about how long until break is, can it be extended, and can we finish early? This conversation will be ongoing whilst she texts any of her friends not in the lesson! It’s probably safe to assume that she is very easily distracted, and it can be a struggle for the lecturer to bring her back on task.
I’ve also heard that she is the same in other lessons, and has been throughout her school life.
Well, I’m not sure if she is on the spectrum. I’ve considered the diagnostic criteria for sub-strands of conditions, and I would say that it’s possible that she’d fit some of the criteria for attention-deficiency. She also fits some of the criteria for hyperactivity, but not many.
At present, it may be that she has an “atypical presentation” of a related condition. I know it’s possible to miss ASD completely with girls, and even more so as they mature and the symptoms can be masked as they master the social skills necessary to make up for the deficits.
I simply don’t know if it should be considered a possibility or not – maybe she should see an educational psychologist…?
]]>I almost cried at a few points in the book, particularly when the dog dies in the final chapter. But it was the afterword that actually had me with tears coming out of my eyes. Two quotes from the penultimate part of the book strike a lot of meaning with respect to my knowledge and experience of autism/Aspergers:
If I had to say just one thing about autism as a disability, it is this: we must never underestimate how hard a person affected has to work every day, all day, to live by our society’s rules and to fit in. The anxiety and effort this takes is always immense, and, like their autism, it is for the rest of their life.
It sounds very similar to the words of my Step-Dad a few years ago, and it truly sums up how I live my life. Each day you may see me as a ‘normal’ student at college, chatting, flirting, swearing, getting on with the work, and having a laugh. To do everything except the work itself, it requires a massive effort, whereas by comparison the academic work is as easy as you’re finding the small talk.
You worry about passing the exams, doing well in the subject, and coming home with your anticipated grade – be that an A or a U. I worry about whether I will mess up and be labelled as a freak, whether I will appear ‘normal’, whether I will end up a total loner with no friends. Yes, you may worry about whether you will ‘fit in’, but to do this may require an hour or so in the morning sorting out your hair and make-up. I have to worry all day every day about how I am seen, what I am saying, how people are reacting, and most importantly, whether I am interpreting any of that correctly!
Through the drama After Thomas and this book, Dale and I hope that at long last some lessons will be learned.
That one simple sentence made me reflect on everything I have been through recently, particularly since starting at this current service provider. My Mum’s fight for my diagnosis and the subsequent fights for adequate provision were all too similar by my recall. I was diagnosed about 7 or 8 years after Dale was, and I can’t say that much has changed. Departments within services are still trying to pass files and the accompanying responsibility around, with nobody quite certain where Aspergers ‘fits’. Multi-Agency teams cannot agree on who should be doing what, and none of them are keeping the important people in the loop.
With my forthcoming transition to the ‘real world’ as it were, I have been thinking on what is out there, how good it is, and is it really worth it? Currently, I describe myself as being “in this cotton-wool padded world, with far too many walls layering me from the real world, it’s going to come all to soon when those walls crumble and I’m the only thing left standing.” My point behind this is that with the current culture in healthcare provision, all too often the actual purpose for providing me with these services gets lost, “in less than a year’s time, it’s likely that I will have to do this anyway.”
To prove that I can cope independently requires being given limited amounts of responsibility, but in this day and age, somebody always has to be responsible for my care, and most of those somebodies are governed by ‘risk management…
]]>But, that’s not what this blog post is about. It’s about a night I had in a pub/restaurant next to the no-frills hotel that I stayed in on Friday night. As I’m on my own, it can get a bit boring, particularly after I’ve eaten and want to have a few more drinks. The good thing, however, is that the bar staff on duty were really friendly, fun-loving people.
As usual, I ended up flirting with one of the beautiful 18 year old lasses, and I must have taken up the last hour or so of her shift just talking generally and about us. Needless to say, I started off a bit drunk, but once I got talking properly, I thought that it would be better to start sobering up, I didn’t want to come across as some sleazy drunk trying it on; she had enough lads that had already tried.
We talked about being a student, where is good in the local city, what we like doing, and so on. And somehow, I ended up mentioning that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. Then, she shocked me: here was a stunning blonde, blue-eyed girl, only 18, with a clue about what Asperger’s Syndrome actually was. She didn’t say it, but her facial expression told me enough. As I asked her more, her first comment was “I’d never have guessed that you had that!”
Naturally, I was quite complimented by that. I learned that she knew a girl on her college course that has the same diagnosis, and the barmaid reflected on how ‘different’ she was. There was agreement when I said I had a “compulsive drive to socialise”. I was still quite pleased at her comments about not guessing I had AS, as it agrees with my views: that I can cope with socialising, going out, and so on…
]]>I was talking to my friend last Friday night, albeit for 5 hours, and during the course of the conversation, we talked about our times at middle & high school, and our times at college. She reflected on how she didn’t have many friends at middle school, and then we laughed together when I just said “And here’s me, the Aspie, thinking I had the social difficulties” This moved on to high school, where she had found some good friends, through “forced situations” such as being in tutorial groups that you stick with for most of the day. Again, I shared similar experiences, certainly with my second tutorial group at that school, and also in the science classes, where the groups were together a lot of the time. We could both say how ‘easy’ it was to make friends from the group, and how we just knew they were friends.
But then we moved on to each other, and how we met at college. She didn’t know if I was a friend because she had never been in the situation where she had to make her own friends in a “voluntary situation” like the busy life of college. I commented I didn’t know if she was a friend, because I’ve never been in the situation of having a proper friend, and my “lack of social interaction” makes it even harder.
After looking back at how we think of each other, and the interactions we have, we decided that we were friends, and probably close friends. She knows a lot about me and my life, and vice-versa. Its weird how we had to have a conversation to figure out we’d been friends for 6 months, though. I also mentioned that I used a discreet method to turn a “voluntary scenario” into a “forced scenario”, I used a little quiz, which I was struggling with to start conversations with people (name 10 Disney Classics with just one word in their title); by the end of an hour long lesson, I had the number of two of my classmates, who have both gone on to be considered good friends by me!
Anybody else have any similar experiences or thoughts?
]]>When I was showing the people I was with the photos on the small viewfinder, they were impressed with the initial view, and so was I. It was only when I got back to halls and loaded them up on my laptop did I realise how good they actually were. They were so good that I spend considerable time editing them in Adobe® Photoshop® Lightroom® and taking some prints of the best. The only things I’ve done are cropped, manipulated exposure, changed the tonal curve, and sharpened. I have not opened a single on in Adobe® Photoshop® CS3 to remove any blemishes or red eye.
I put the prints in plastic wallets, and attached a model release form to each photo. This was because I was taking them into college to give to the people in them, and I may well want to use some of these shots to start a proper portfolio. But, even though I knew what to expect, I was still shocked at the reactions to the photos; the girl in one of them hugged me, and her boyfriend (also in the photo, as they were kissing) just said “nice one, that’s brilliant, mate” as he shook my hand. Everybody commented on one particular photo of another girl, mainly saying that she should be a model and was I “like, a proper, real, photographer” (as one girl I’d never met asked)!
This is where the craving for social acceptance comes in. I would like to find her in college this week (not hard, you can’t miss her boyfriend – who I have another photo of, which he likes) and I’d like for her to accept my photo of her. I’d also like for her to actually frame this shot, and put it up in her house, and for her friends to say “Wow, that’s a good photo of you!” I know, being a photographer will not gain social skills, but it will provide opportunities to develop them (if you’ll pardon the pun).
PS: Before you ask, I have consent of all the subjects of to take the photos concerned above.
PPS: Once I get the model release from the young lady concerned, I’ll strip the metadata and post the shot up here!
Anyway, having watched the latest episode, The Fuzzy Boots Corollary, I was simply stunned at Leonard’s total lack of apprecation of non-verbal cues in signalling inner emotion. Here is some of the non-verbal cues I spotted:
At the end, when Penny asks Leonard if it was a date, Penny subconciously strokes her hair back behind her shoulder; indicating that she may like him more than as a friend;
Again, when Leonard is very badly lying about it not being a date, Penny again touches her face and hair; confirming the above signal that she may like him more than as a friend;
Sitting at the table in the restaurant, Penny turns to face Leonard, and is making good eye contact, showing that she is interested in what he has to say.
But, when Leonard orders the waitress away, Penny turns her head away slightly, raises her voice a little, and her facial expression shows she is a little annoyed with Leonard for his actions. I don’t think Penny understood why he did so, either.
When Leonard bangs his head under the table, Penny shows genuine concern and sympathy for Leonard, offering to drive him to hospital, and noticing the possible signs of a concussion.
So, how many did you notice? Or, did you spot more than me?
]]>However, there were also many times during the series where I detected what you may call “Aspie traits”, that is an apparent non-willingness to socialise, to be narrowly focussed on an obsessional interest and other such things. At the same time, I wanted to scream (particularly to Abs, the mental health liaison senior staff nurse) for somebody to notice what this girl was putting herself through. Personally speaking, I know what putting yourself through too much can do, but I also think that Ruth was damn good at hiding how much pressure she was under.
Perhaps it is because I am an Aspie that I can spot traits in others so well, compared to a neurotypical. For instance, most people passed off Ruth’s keenness to research as enthusiasm, I saw it as a sign of becoming obessional, and queried the likelihood of obsessional compulsive disorder. Not going out for drinks after work was seen as Ruth imitating Connie, and becoming a mini ‘Ice Queen’, I realised it was due to a lack of social confidence, a low self-esteem, masked by a thick layer of control and non-emotion – the very traits that can be so easily spotted in a specialist college environment such as the one I currently attend.
Since seeing the episode on 9th February, I have this to add: Well done to Dominic (Dr. Doom) for noticing what is wrong with her, and for confronting the issue. That to me is the best way to tackle it. However, he gave up far to easily; yes it would have been wrong for him to kiss her, but under the circumstances he could have hugged her, and calmly talked to her. If he’d tried a little harder, he may have discovered the underlying reasons as to why her confidence is so low.
Well done to Harry Harper for reading her diary, and correctly proportioning the blame onto the ED. I sincerely hope he does make the diary public next week, as it will be an education to all involved in such stressing and emotive professions as to how apparent confidence is often used as a mask to hide low levels of self-esteem.
A final, rather cynical thought: Ruth’s first though upon coming round will be “I’m such a crap doctor I can’t even get my own suicide right!”
]]>A quick recap of last lesson, and seat change before starting. I completed the cockpit drill whilst chatting to my instructor about mobile phones (as I silenced mine), and how his daughter was attached to hers; I’m attached to mine, I admit, but she puts me to shame! It’s a good thing small talk comes fairly naturally to me, one of the few areas of socialising my AS has not affected.
This lesson, I moved up to third gear, and was expected to use my mirrors before preparing for any manouvre, in addition to checking them every few seconds whilst driving anyway! I also started to handle junctions correctly, stopping for closed ones, and slowing down for all of them; not something I like doing is slowing down. Still, I got used to the idea fairly quickly, that came in the form of following an articulated flatbed, complete with about 25 brake lights fitted to the rear of his cab… The next time I turned the bend to go down the bank, I noticed a white van pull out behind me, but I didn’t think anything of it. My instructor, however, did, “Matt, I would like you to take this corner perfectly, because there is a police van following us!” Now I re-checked my mirror, and noticed the large blue “POLICE” on the front of the vehicle.
As usual, I stalled a few times, once for doing such a stupid obvious mistake; stopping at a give way line, finding the biting point, applying some gas, but not remembering to change down from second to first. I was allowed to try moving off in second from a parked position, and needless to say, I couldn’t manage it! Overall, a very good lesson in my opinion, I definitely saw some improvements.
]]>The changes begin on Monday, after my Physics exam. I was expecting a nice long three hour lunch, maybe a walk into Newcastle to grab a bite to eat, but otherwise chilling out on my laptop in sector college before my next lecture. No sooner do I go downstairs than I have my support worker informing me I’m going back to the specialist college for about 30 minutes where I can eat my lunch, before being taken back to sector college for my lecture. Marvellous. No chillout time on the internet for me. Did it bother me? Not at all, I’d downloaded my emails earlier in the day, and I had a book to read.
The next change came on Tuesday. I had already been notified of it; well, I had the new plan thrust upon me when I wasn’t supposed to be in the specialist college on the middle of Monday. We were meant to be going for a walk to Teesdale, but due to the snow, and one of the tutors being snowed in at home, we didn’t. Instead, I had an extremely chilled out morning, because the only other student in the session was out at a committee meeting. So after spending 30 minutes planning a couple of routes, I spent the rest of the morning looking into support provided at different universities. In the afternoon, we went out to collect some donations for our fundraising activities.
The changes continued on Wednesday, with Physics being cancelled due to lack of students. Another exam was on, and the majority of students were taking it. Then, I went down to Chemistry after spending some time on my laptop, only to find a room change. After waiting at that room for 15 minutes with a couple of my friends, the lecturer failed to show up, so we went back to the specialist college earlier!
Thursday was even more changes. I slept in, and when I heard the knock on my door, I assumed a bollocking was about to be given; instead, I was informed of an evacuation of the specialist college due to a gas leak, so we all had the day off. Then I went in for a quick chemistry lesson, which was followed by two physics lectures being cancelled because all but four of the students were in a general studies exam!
Thursday night was no better. It was my birthday meal out, and it was arranged so that my keyworker and another member of staff would be accompanying me and my 4 friends, travelling via public transport. Then, one of my friends dropped out. Next, my keyworker was allocated to the overnight assessment student. Then, my manager was the one taking us via the college vehicle. Finally, I was asked to invite the overnight assessment student to my meal.
Friday was the only day this week that went without change…
I felt that I coped very well with all of the changes, and they did not affect my mood or behaviour for any of the week. Oh well, damn stereotypes!
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