Let’s start from the beginning. As usual to get to Sunderland from where I’m staying, I got the bus, and it passes through where I used to live. An old man got on board and was walking to the seat opposite me when the bus pulled away. Naturally he stumbled and fell forward towards me, he put his hands out to protect him, and I quickly braced myself to prepare to “control a fall”, with my hands aiming to help brace his arms. As he sat down on his seat, I was totally shocked to hear him say, “I wasn’t being funny or anything there!” Why has the world come to an old man assuming that a teenage lad would think he was trying it on?

Then, I gets to Sunderland, and went off to meet my mate. Bless her, she had bought me a lovely present at very short notice, despite me constantly telling her not to! Thanks! And she adored the necklace and earrings that I bought her. We only had 10 minutes as she had a couple of more presents to buy, and I was due out volunteering.

So, on I go to volunteer, where the service users are getting their Christmas Meal today, and there is also a pool, darts & dominoes competition. Most of the staff & volunteers are working in the kitchen and dining room, and the drop-in supervisor is running the competitions. Leaving me and a new volunteer to run the counter.

Normally the counter is an easy job, and I love it. We make tea, coffee, and chat with service users. Usually I get to read my books and magazines… Today was different, after an initially slow start. Once things got going, I was sitting down for about 1 minute at a time before more people wanted serving, and with the supervisor constantly being called downstairs or having other jobs to do, I ended up as acting-supervisor quite often! At one point, I was the only person in the drop-in, never once away from the boiler!

But that’s all part of the fun, and I don’t mind giving up my time to help out. In fact, I’ll probably be doing New Year’s Eve if they need any volunteers to come in and help out! Hopefully it’ll be a little quieter.

Then, I gets home, have some food, and relax in front of my laptop, as is normal for the holiday time. I’d sent an email to my friend on Sunday night, as she hadn’t been talking to me, and I was wondering why. To be quite honest, I wasn’t expecting her to reply at all. I’d sent her a lovely present by recorded delivery, and also a poem which makes my feelings for her rather clear – I pretty much managed to say “I love you” without using that exact phrase.

At around 11pm, I saw an email flash up from her, so immediately clicked on it. She told me that she no longer considers me to be a friend, I probably don’t know the reason we’re not talking (possibly because she hasn’t told me?), doesn’t feel the same way at all, and can’t cope with me anymore. Once again, this girl had me in tears, although this time with very good reason, because somehow I’d ruined things again.

The trouble is, the reason for this new-found self-control isn’t a one that is “easily-transferred”. Once again, I find myself making the right choice because of one person in particular. And it’s that one person that I’ve blogged about at different times of the year, including my self-control at her birthday party.

This time, I’ve just been looking around Facebook, as you do, and my news feed showed some ‘Recently tagged photos’ of my friend; being a nosey sod that I undoubtebly am, I clicked the link and started to look at some of them. Initially, I made a couple of comments, one was in response to another one of her friends. But then, almost immediately, he replied with something that kinda incensed me a little bit.

I don’t know why it did. Actually, I do know why it did, and it stems from a combination of two things: my respect for my friend, and how much I care about her. Ok, so there is a third factor, but I can’t post it on here, I barely admit that factor to myself… So, I went straight for the keypad of my phone to type a response, and started a few words, but then froze. I actually managed to put in place the main strategy everybody around me has been trying to get me to do: STOP, think, act.

My thoughts then centered not on me, my comment, or what I was replying to, but immediately on my friend, and her feelings. I couldn’t post, I just couldn’t; it would most likely end up upsetting her. And that, I think, is something I keep trying to “protect her from”. That sounds bad – God only knows how much I complain about people doing that to me – except I don’t actually do much, or interfere. I’m just there, someone she can talk to, or someone who’ll ask her a couple of questions if I think she’s aiming straight down a path that will only lead to her being hurt.

I just wish I knew why my thoughts were the way they are. I really do, it’s so hard to figure out for most teenage lads, but it’s harder again for me. I’m confused, and right now, I don’t even think that Thought Process Analysis will do much other than end up in an infinite loop!

Well, now just to smile, be happy I didn’t do anything, and try and relax…

As I read one of his recent posts, and how he missed Ana, yet at the same time wanted her to be happy any enjoying what she was doing, it stuck a chord with me. It’s exactly how I feel about somebody, particularly during college holidays. You see, this person just has some kind of natural instinct for what I’m going to be like. It’s scary; this is something that even my Mum has to think about, my support workers think about. But she just seems to know, yet all that does in confuse me more about where I stand with her. Once you add in a dimension about somebody trying to emotionally protect another because of their disability, it really complicates things. To be frank, I felt less confused about where I stood with her when she told me the words I didn’t want to hear yet made me feel happy about it all!

Don’t get me wrong, it’s really sweet that there are people out there like that. And it’s really kind of her to be so patient and understanding. But I can’t help but feel she’s making allowances for me because of my Asperger’s; and I simply don’t want her to do that because it’s not fair on her. Both Nick and I have found somebody who could well become a life-long friend, and that is something that both of us must treasure and respect. I suppose I wonder what it would be like if we didn’t have our own conditions, would we still have found them, and would they still be so nice.

I should just try and not pay any attention to all of the complications, I think. But I can’t do that, because I like to analyse things, it keeps me occupied. The thing that I can’t figure out is why people do this. I don’t suspect anybody’s friends have any kind of ulterior motive, far from it. But I’d like to know why they protect us, look out for us, care about us, and ultimately support us through some of the most difficult times of our lives. The hardest thing is to know somebody cares about you, but because they want to protect you, you realise you’ll never get close. If it was a staff member, I could easily deal with that, it’s called professionalism; when it’s a friend, somebody who I really care about, it’s different, because it’s, just, I can’t even begin to get the words I would need to describe it…

Firstly, my Physics lecture expressed her disappointment at my latest exam result – a ‘b’. I was only 1 mark off an ‘a’, but 1 mark is too much to miss by! However, she is very happy with my work rate, informing my Mum that I am regularly provided with extra work which I always finish to a very high standard. My punctuality and attendance are excellent, both being 100%. Then my Mum asked about my social interaction, after explaining about my Asperger’s and how it affects me. And the lecturer was very positive, explaining I get on well with everybody, and help people when they ask me for it. I asked the direct question “Do you think that I need support in the class?” I was answered with a “No.” My Mum mentioned to us that she would bring up these comments at my forthcoming review in May.

Next, we went to Chemistry. Again, I was told by my very enthusiastic chemistry lecturer (he’s brilliant, bless him) that I perform to a very high standard in class and should not have any problems in achieving an ‘A’ for AS Chemistry. I was reminded of the deadline for the planning exercise, and advised to submit a draft of it soon, which of course I will. My lecturer then re-advertised his study clinics, which I admit to not having yet attended. The problem is that they fall when I’m usually with the specialist college in Sunderland. However, I did explain that I will be able to come in for the Tuesday session from the start of May, because it falls at good times for trains and I can miss about an hour of Duke of Edinburgh to revise a past module. I might attend the general study clinic over a Wednesday lunch leading into the exams, just to make sure I can do it all! Then, rather shockingly, he asked me about the trip to Nottingham; I was puzzled by this, because I’d explained to him that due to a lack of support I’d be unable to go. But, then, suddenly, an idea lit up!

I looked at my Mum, hinting at her to rapidly move the conversation onto my social skills in class, and support staff. “Matt makes fantastic contributions” he told her. He didn’t think I needed any support, even when I asked him to think carefully about my interactions with my two close mates. He did ask me about last Thursday’s support worker, because she appeared to be making a lot of notes. I explained in brief terms why, and then followed up with a question about if my behaviour or interaction with the person concerned was any different to how he normally sees me; historically, I can’t cope with what had happened. We agreed that I didn’t need any support; more to the point I was told I should be supporting the support worker!

As we left, and enjoyed some really nice food from the bake sale for Operation Wallacea (yeah, research, not a holiday, of course), my Mum told me that she wasn’t going to wait for my review and was instead going to send an email to the managers at the service provider, explaining her point of view based on the first-hand information she now has. I tried explaining my arguments for being allowed to go to Nottingham, but it was futile, she told me that there was no way even if she wanted to, because it leaves early on Monday morning, and I’m not back with the service provider until Sunday evening. I tried explaining about the lecturers saying I didn’t need support, and how I coped with everything over the weekend (I briefly appraised my Mum without going into any detail). But she wanted to take it small steps at a time; I countered that I’ve been saying I haven’t needed support for 5 months. But then she used the killer, the one truth that ties it all together, she knew there was somebody going that I fancy. I didn’t argue, except for to say I respect this person so much I can’t bring myself to even think of trying anything on! It was worth a shot, and I did have ulterior motives; a chance to talk with somebody for a short while away from college and any form of distraction would be brilliant, and I think very beneficial.

Anyway, I was really happy with the way things went; I only wish that I could have had one of my managers from the service provider there with my Mum! I’m really proud of what I have achieved at college this year, both academically and socially!

So, as it was, I endured three hours of such a conversation over Easter weekend. Except that this time, it was with two people I was close to, and one person I probably shouldn’t have been speaking to for my own protection. I didn’t think of that at the time, I had been drawn into it. And, I felt as if I had something to prove to myself. I wanted to prove that I could cope in an emotionally demanding (for me) conversation, and that I could appear normal.

During the chat, I felt an idiot the entire time; I thought I was coming across as somebody who didn’t know what they were doing. I was wrong, despite being on an emotional rollercoaster internally, the two people I was close to both told me I coped really well. One of them realised what I was going through, and had a side-chat with me, allowing me to express myself more freely, as long as I didn’t “cross the line” about things. He kept telling me I was doing fine, and gave me prompts when I appeared to be struggling. He really is a fantastic mate.

Having done all that, everything else seems easy now. Too easy, in fact. I’ve changed from the unpredictable unable-to-cope person that I once was; now, I’m somebody who can cope well, and accept the help of my friends.

The first thing I did when I saw my support staff was to give her my notes from last night to read, at least she’d know what had gone on. And although she wanted to help, we had a problem, there is no on-call system for the holidays, and she isn’t aware of anything to do with me & my friend, and how I feel about her. So effectively all she could do was take notes, and give as much generic advice as she had at her disposal. Don’t you love it when a single academic service provider manages to screw up so badly it is the only educational establishment in the country taking the Easter holidays at a different time to everywhere else?

I realised quite quickly that the less I thought about my friend being in a relationship the easier it was going to be for me. I know she said she’d talk to me about it, but that needs to be at an appropriate time, and one of her choosing! Of course, really good theory, until a rather loud friend said “Paper based presents (homework) are the best thing I can do at home” which was replied from another student with “You need some sex mate!” My mind simultaneously focussed on three things, firstly it thought of my friend in the relationship – although, frankly, her sex life is none of my business – and my heart just sank that little bit lower. Secondly, it reminded me of my virginity, and as I looked round the class, and thought of the people I liked, I sharp realised I was probably the minority. Finally, my mind kindly told me I was not in a relationship, so that rules out all sex for a while. Although, as I then thought, it’s not the sex that I was bothered about; it was me being single, and my friend being in a relationship that hit me.

For a lot of the session, I felt as if I could just run away to somewhere and cry, exactly as I’d predicted earlier. However, I was able to maintain my usual happy presence, particularly as I was sitting next to my friend, who effectively told me to be my normal self because she didn’t want to be happy/hyper on her own. Awww, I thought that has some level of sweetness in it.

I was quite nervous for most of the lesson, assuming that according to my behavioural trends, I would end up making a mess of things with my friend. I do wish I could just be myself, but I am thinking way too much about how I should be acting that I can’t even manage that. Right now I hate having AS, but as my friend reminded me last night, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have it, would I?

In addition to all that, I have butterflies filling my stomach, because I know I haven’t told my friend everything about how I feel about her. I’ve told a manager with the service provider about my feelings for this friend more than I’ve told the friend herself. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from this, it’s to tell somebody how you’re feeling while you have the chance, things can change ever so quickly, and that chance may be gone forever! I won’t tell her know however, she’s happy with her boyfriend, and I don’t want to say anything that might upset her or make her feel guilty.

One small irony: as I wrote this the song “Stay the Night” by Ghosts came on, and I smiled at the line “If it’s a question of timing, I’ll wait.” I wish I hadn’t waited earlier, but now I will…

I clarified what she meant. She meant she was no longer single. Since when? Who? Whilst these questions raced through my mind, my physiological response had already begun. Unfortunately, it was as I predicted. And I’m not surrounded by support staff. ‘Crisis without immediately available support’ drills immediately in effect, and I went into autopilot. I’m at home with my parents presently, and I’m not going to cry in front of them. As I awaited her response, I done what the drill tells me, write everything down, keep detailed time-stamped notes, and log all my emotions and their reasons.

I almost cried as I was doing that. Of course I did, my illusions had been shattered, and I was heartbroken. There was no hope, or so it seemed. I rang my mate from the same class, he fancies her too, and was as shocked as I was at the news. Nothing anybody could say would make me feel better. Saying that, my past behavioural trends say a lot at this point. Had I been in halls, I would have been 1:1′d immediately, and no doubts my phone would have been confiscated. Damage limitation; let’s get Matt so he can sleep for at least some of tonight.

Then the questions that have no point. What if? Maybe… If only I’d…I wish I could’ve just… What if I had told her how I really feel “a few weeks” ago, and had the confidence to ask her out?

Ok, notes made. Next step is to analyse my thought processes and emotions; this is so that I can use these to write immediate action strategies so that I can stay focussed all tomorrow, and I will still be able to seem fairly normal. I’m not in a position to do any of this. Contingency plans are being thought of as I fight the tears, yet I still don’t know what to do. At this point, I believe I won’t be able to get a strategy in place for tomorrow, so I use some of my own crisis limitation techniques: I text her, asking her to read this blog; hoping it will explain why I will not be my usual self.

When I ring her to help her understand me a little more, she hadn’t read all of the blog. As I tried to explain that I didn’t feel I could be my normal self tomorrow, she gave an off-hand comment that made me smile and laugh; anybody else this would have made me burst into tears because they didn’t get it. She didn’t, but she did; I know she wants to understand, but sometimes doesn’t link everything together. She made me want to cry a second time, but this time it was through happiness.

She made me want to cry a third time; she sent me a text, saying how I deserve somebody who cares about me as much as I care about them. Ironically, she needed to care about me quite a lot in order to send me that comment, I mused. I know she cares, because it’s not the only time she’s sent me that type of comment; I don’t think she realises how much she actually cares! I smiled, and almost cried. I don’t know how, but I know, for the present time, that I’m happy for her as long as she is happy. If (or when) things change, I’ll be there for her because I sincerely care about her. No matter what happens between us, I will always be eternally grateful to her, she has managed to (without realising) change my behaviour much for the better. I know I’ll be there for her no matter what, I only wish I’d talked to her about this sooner…

What have done that was so RIGHT?