She is a friendly enough girl, in fact it’s fair to say that she gets on with pretty much everybody at college, has a large circle of friends, and is incredibly sociable. It’s crossed my mind more than once that she may well be in college purely to build a social network!
But in the lesson I have with her, she displays a lack of confidence, which usually comes across as attention-seeking. Though it may be possible that the low confidence and attention-seeking are entirely seperate issues. It’s hard to say why she’s not confident about the work, because in the time I’ve seen her focus and do it, she is more than capable of answering the questions correctly.
As well as that, she is usally asking for help, either by ‘disrupting’ other people or shouting the lecturer’s name out loud. Whilst it’s excellent that she recognises her need for support, I can’t help but wonder if perhaps there are other, more appropriate ways of going about obtaining it! This can often lead to other people trying to help, which may contribute towards the next problem…
The habit of continual talking. I know this is something I am quite an expert on, but not even I am that bad! It starts with the subject, but quickly moves off to everybody’s social life and anything else she feels like talking about. Quite often we have discussion about how long until break is, can it be extended, and can we finish early? This conversation will be ongoing whilst she texts any of her friends not in the lesson! It’s probably safe to assume that she is very easily distracted, and it can be a struggle for the lecturer to bring her back on task.
I’ve also heard that she is the same in other lessons, and has been throughout her school life.
Well, I’m not sure if she is on the spectrum. I’ve considered the diagnostic criteria for sub-strands of conditions, and I would say that it’s possible that she’d fit some of the criteria for attention-deficiency. She also fits some of the criteria for hyperactivity, but not many.
At present, it may be that she has an “atypical presentation” of a related condition. I know it’s possible to miss ASD completely with girls, and even more so as they mature and the symptoms can be masked as they master the social skills necessary to make up for the deficits.
I simply don’t know if it should be considered a possibility or not – maybe she should see an educational psychologist…?
]]>The trouble is, the reason for this new-found self-control isn’t a one that is “easily-transferred”. Once again, I find myself making the right choice because of one person in particular. And it’s that one person that I’ve blogged about at different times of the year, including my self-control at her birthday party.
This time, I’ve just been looking around Facebook, as you do, and my news feed showed some ‘Recently tagged photos’ of my friend; being a nosey sod that I undoubtebly am, I clicked the link and started to look at some of them. Initially, I made a couple of comments, one was in response to another one of her friends. But then, almost immediately, he replied with something that kinda incensed me a little bit.
I don’t know why it did. Actually, I do know why it did, and it stems from a combination of two things: my respect for my friend, and how much I care about her. Ok, so there is a third factor, but I can’t post it on here, I barely admit that factor to myself… So, I went straight for the keypad of my phone to type a response, and started a few words, but then froze. I actually managed to put in place the main strategy everybody around me has been trying to get me to do: STOP, think, act.
My thoughts then centered not on me, my comment, or what I was replying to, but immediately on my friend, and her feelings. I couldn’t post, I just couldn’t; it would most likely end up upsetting her. And that, I think, is something I keep trying to “protect her from”. That sounds bad – God only knows how much I complain about people doing that to me – except I don’t actually do much, or interfere. I’m just there, someone she can talk to, or someone who’ll ask her a couple of questions if I think she’s aiming straight down a path that will only lead to her being hurt.
I just wish I knew why my thoughts were the way they are. I really do, it’s so hard to figure out for most teenage lads, but it’s harder again for me. I’m confused, and right now, I don’t even think that Thought Process Analysis will do much other than end up in an infinite loop!
Well, now just to smile, be happy I didn’t do anything, and try and relax…
]]>I almost cried at a few points in the book, particularly when the dog dies in the final chapter. But it was the afterword that actually had me with tears coming out of my eyes. Two quotes from the penultimate part of the book strike a lot of meaning with respect to my knowledge and experience of autism/Aspergers:
If I had to say just one thing about autism as a disability, it is this: we must never underestimate how hard a person affected has to work every day, all day, to live by our society’s rules and to fit in. The anxiety and effort this takes is always immense, and, like their autism, it is for the rest of their life.
It sounds very similar to the words of my Step-Dad a few years ago, and it truly sums up how I live my life. Each day you may see me as a ‘normal’ student at college, chatting, flirting, swearing, getting on with the work, and having a laugh. To do everything except the work itself, it requires a massive effort, whereas by comparison the academic work is as easy as you’re finding the small talk.
You worry about passing the exams, doing well in the subject, and coming home with your anticipated grade – be that an A or a U. I worry about whether I will mess up and be labelled as a freak, whether I will appear ‘normal’, whether I will end up a total loner with no friends. Yes, you may worry about whether you will ‘fit in’, but to do this may require an hour or so in the morning sorting out your hair and make-up. I have to worry all day every day about how I am seen, what I am saying, how people are reacting, and most importantly, whether I am interpreting any of that correctly!
Through the drama After Thomas and this book, Dale and I hope that at long last some lessons will be learned.
That one simple sentence made me reflect on everything I have been through recently, particularly since starting at this current service provider. My Mum’s fight for my diagnosis and the subsequent fights for adequate provision were all too similar by my recall. I was diagnosed about 7 or 8 years after Dale was, and I can’t say that much has changed. Departments within services are still trying to pass files and the accompanying responsibility around, with nobody quite certain where Aspergers ‘fits’. Multi-Agency teams cannot agree on who should be doing what, and none of them are keeping the important people in the loop.
With my forthcoming transition to the ‘real world’ as it were, I have been thinking on what is out there, how good it is, and is it really worth it? Currently, I describe myself as being “in this cotton-wool padded world, with far too many walls layering me from the real world, it’s going to come all to soon when those walls crumble and I’m the only thing left standing.” My point behind this is that with the current culture in healthcare provision, all too often the actual purpose for providing me with these services gets lost, “in less than a year’s time, it’s likely that I will have to do this anyway.”
To prove that I can cope independently requires being given limited amounts of responsibility, but in this day and age, somebody always has to be responsible for my care, and most of those somebodies are governed by ‘risk management…
]]>The title of this is called “Marine Disruptive Pattern Material”, because it is the first thing I noticed. Not the first thing of the day, but the first thing I noticed when I sat down to lunch. As you might expect, the foyer was rather busy, and there were no free tables; I noticed a young-ish lady sitting on her own, so I politely asked if I could sit next to her, and she said I could. My observation skills picked out that she was wearing a blue DPM style bra and not that I was looking, it was slightly sticking out over her blue strappy top.
We got talking, of course – who can shut me up? – and we spoke about school, A levels, exams, the open day itself and general things like how old we were, where we were from and so on. Funnily enough, I never conversed on any topics that could be considered inappropriate. The only thing I regret was not getting R’s phone number or surname (for FaceStalking)!
However, I did have a “get a grip” moment with myself, when I seemed to lose my flirty personality. I was sitting at another empty table later in the day waiting for the next tour of the campus, and a good-looking young lady came and sat next to me. She was wearing tight-fitting jeans and a white top. I didn’t even open my mouth to say a word. Something must be up with me…
For the rest of the time, I was just talking to the student guides, finding out about the place. I felt comfortable enough to mention my Asperger’s to one of the 2nd year lasses, and she was quite supportive and stuff, looked out for me for the rest of the day, which was nice of her!
Socially, no problems. But then, I always knew I can cope with things, it’s just being able to prove to the service provider that I can do so, without having to go behind their back and breaking their risk assessments…
]]>But why am I in this state? Why do I always get myself in a state where I want to cry because of the arguments?
This time, it’s about meeting my friend, to help her revise. For some reason, I had it in my head that my Mum would be reasonable, and let me go and meet my friend to help her. But no, I was wrong. I told her after I got back from Newcastle that I had met this friend; the usual lecture began, an exact copy of what the service provider has been over-exaggerating. I was, as usual, reminded of the risks, that there is a strong possibility I could make my friend feel scared in my presence, that I could do something socially/sexually inappropriate, that I could ‘not conform to the unwritten rules of society’, or that my friend could accuse me of something. That last comment leads to the usual reminders, I could be branded a “rapist”, or a “paedophile”, that I could have allegations show up on a CRB, which would ruin my career ambition.
I was finding it difficult enough to trust the management of the service provider; considering I now no longer genuinely believe that I have a chance of a reasonable outcome when I ask for things to be considered. For my Mum to be taking the same approach really upsets me; I do not wish to not trust my Mum.
I text my friend after this argument, and she replied:
Wel I KNOW tht u wudnt do anything like that. and they shud too! [...] bt if its best then il just revise by myself, then u wnt hav ths shit
This made me happier. As far as I’m concerned, it proves one thing, that I can cope, and that I can cope quite well. All that matters to me is that she is ok with things. My main problem is that I’m in a ‘catch-22′ situation, I can’t prove I can cope being with her independently without going against my Mum’s wishes or service provider’s orders and thus getting myself into trouble.
I told my friend that I enjoy spending time with her, that the revision is something fun, worthwhile and sensible. I told her my feelings on what the adults around me are doing; that they are refusing to believe me (or listen in some cases), that I’m not going to let it bother me, and that it’s basically just crap what they’re doing.
]]>After arriving at his house, which is a very nice place, the drinks kept on flowing as we helped finish putting out the food and blowing up balloons (along with all the teenage innuendo that goes with it). The food was absolutely brilliant, home cooked by my mate’s Mum, and I thoroughly enjoyed it – having decided that I’d best eat a fair bit before drinking much more. Again, my camera was out, snapping away at different things here and there, all the time impressing those who saw the shots.
Its fair too assumes that by the time most of his family had left, all of us teenagers were fairly drunk. We started enjoying ourselves a bit more; I can remember dancing with a lovely young lady to High School Musical. With the lager now finished, we drank a bottle of wine between us before opening the bottle of vodka to have as shots. A useful thing to remember is that vodka burns, and gets to your bloodstream quite quickly. Now, I can recall a set of drinking games cards was being looked at as we had our second shot, and third, but then as we toasted to friendship, the young lady became extremely upset; the situation changed rapidly from a drunken party into a crisis management because she was in floods of tears about something. Present at this were myself, who’d only just met her 8 hours earlier, my mate who knew her well, and her boyfriend.
As you’d expect her boyfriend tried to comfort her, but physical comfort can only go so far, my mate tried to talk her through what he knew of the situation, but it didn’t appear to be helping. Thankfully, my mate trusted me at this point that I knew what to do, so I hinted for him and her boyfriend to effectively shut up and go away. At this point, I have adrenaline kicking in and therefore I become fairy sober in the space of about 15 minutes. The first thing I done was to comfort and reassure, without saying anything I simply put my arm around her and let her cry silently for a few moments. I then distanced myself emotionally from this all by telling her I don’t know the situation or the people to who it refers, I also told her that I was going to listen to her explain it to me and how she feels.
We didn’t get very far before my mate asked me to go upstairs and use his room because he thought it would be best to give her complete space from people she knows. This idea worked well, because she simply lay down on the bed and continued to talk to me as I lay next to her and hugged her. I cannot remember what physical contact went on between us; I only know that we were definitely hugging. I was glad she felt she could talk to me about it, being so distant from it all, but this led to issues of trust, I totally appreciated that she couldn’t trust me because she’d only just met me, and I respected that. At this point, I made five failures that took a crisis to a disaster, and although I stand by my decisions come what may, I accept full responsibility for the consequences that came.
She asked if she could have a cigarette outside, and this was ok (I had been given her cigarettes and lighter to look after), so we went outside and I gave her one, as we continued to talk some more. Then, she asked for another one, and I refused, saying that she’d want it in the morning. She then threatened to stay outside in an unfamiliar place to us both, or to leave, the risks for either were immense, and I therefore felt I had no choice but to do everything possible to safeguard myself and her – this meant giving her the second cigarette. Whilst doing this, we continued to talk, and she was beginning to feel better.
For some random reason she asked me for a foot massage, and this was ok, as it helped her stay relaxed. This triggered her to talk about her boyfriend and how much she wanted him to wake up next to her in the morning. I foolishly promised her that I would ask my mate to ask him if he would; this counts as two failures, one for the actual promise, and another for considering the request as reasonable because I had no information about what was going on inside the house. We then went back inside the house, and after showing her back upstairs, I went down to relay the promise.
When I got back upstairs, the situation had changed dramatically, and she was no longer relaxed but quite agitated and didn’t want to talk to me. She wanted to run downstairs, but I knew that this was not in her best interests, so I placed myself between her and the door. She then threatened to shout “rape”, or otherwise, but I held firm, and attempted to persuade her to sit down and talk rationally about this at the same time as trying to reassure her that I had her best interests at heart. I finally conceded that I was no longer helping her, and that I needed backup, so I rang my mate to come upstairs and take over me. What had happened was that she had became scared of me, and what might happen, I think the drink was wearing off and she was realising that she was in a room in somebody else’s house with an older lad she’d only just met. Quite rightly, this scared her, and made her feel very anxious.
I switched roles, and went downstairs to sit with her boyfriend to watch Dr. Who. It took my mate 40 minutes to repair the damage caused by me making her feel scared, and to get her back relaxed and how she was before we came back in from the cigarettes. It took another hour before we asked her to come in and listen to my apology. However, after we woke up this morning, we spoke more, and both agreed to put the incident behind us, and to move on. The positive thing is that she is now able to think about what was making her upset and how she can make herself feel better about it. She’s also more confident, because she is able to relax, and she’s going to attempt to give up smoking for her health.
A good party overall. At first, excellent handling of a crisis incident, but then I got a few things wrong which led to a disaster. However, benefits of hindsight are wonderful, and I took immediate steps to resolve the situation, which worked. I can see my faults, yes, but I can also see the positive aspects of it all.
]]>It’ll be a “normal” social situation, with lots of social scenarios going on around me, and therefore I’ll need to handle myself appropriately. I believe I have learnt the skills to do this from the staff at the service provider. It will be a massive positive achievement for me to show that I can do this, and it will reflect good on the service provider as they are giving me the chance to prove myself in a context without staff support and with my peers. Surely they agree?
Well, no, they don’t. They won’t allow me to go directly from there, and instead I have to “go home” so that I’ll be in the care of my Mum, who is letting me go. Big question, why don’t they let me, knowing full well that my Mum will?
]]>She was struggling with chemistry, and I’m fairly good at the subject. It was good fortune that I done my GCSE with the same exam board she is under. However, I discovered I spent a lot of the time trying to read up on what I was supposed to be helping her with, because it’s been 2 years since I touched GCSE chemisty. A good tip to those helping others to revise is to go and download the specification and have a good thorough read, it really is a damn useful thing to be doing!
Now then, so far, can anybody see a problem with what I have done? Personally, I can’t. I went to help a friend, as a sort of revision tutor (albeit without any teaching or training qualifications), and therefore I acted professionally all the time I was tutoring her. Now, I’m an 18 year old young man. My friend happens to be in Year 11 at the local catholic girls school, and is currently 15. Before you all gasp, stop, and think, what actually is wrong with a 15 year old and an 18 year old being friends?
This brings me onto the lovely complicated issues that the service provider where I live has decided to throw in. Shock, horror, gasp, panic – she’s 15! Big wow, I’ve known her since she was 12, I was 15. What’s more is that I’ve known her as a friend, a colleague, and as a young person when I was a kind of senior cadet. And in all that time, I’ve never kissed her, or done anything like that. I might well fancy her, but that’s it. But, I know full well what management would say: NO. Therefore, I have no choice but to meet her without telling the service provider that I am. Because I like her as a friend, and want to help her. What’s the use in having a scientific brain if I ain’t gonna use it to help people?
I’ve already met her twice without telling them, and I plan to meet her at least twice more in the next two weeks. And frankly, I cannot see a single problem!
Now, socially, I will admit to becoming a little inappropriate after we left the library and waited for my train, she was scared I would kiss her. I can understand that, but I reassured her I wouldn’t even try, and she trusted me on that. I also took it a bit too far with hugging her, and flirting. Since then, I’ve apologised to her, and I’ve promised I won’t flirt, or try anything, or kiss her, etc. She is happy with that. What’s the betting the service provider isn’t…
]]>So, as it was, I endured three hours of such a conversation over Easter weekend. Except that this time, it was with two people I was close to, and one person I probably shouldn’t have been speaking to for my own protection. I didn’t think of that at the time, I had been drawn into it. And, I felt as if I had something to prove to myself. I wanted to prove that I could cope in an emotionally demanding (for me) conversation, and that I could appear normal.
During the chat, I felt an idiot the entire time; I thought I was coming across as somebody who didn’t know what they were doing. I was wrong, despite being on an emotional rollercoaster internally, the two people I was close to both told me I coped really well. One of them realised what I was going through, and had a side-chat with me, allowing me to express myself more freely, as long as I didn’t “cross the line” about things. He kept telling me I was doing fine, and gave me prompts when I appeared to be struggling. He really is a fantastic mate.
Having done all that, everything else seems easy now. Too easy, in fact. I’ve changed from the unpredictable unable-to-cope person that I once was; now, I’m somebody who can cope well, and accept the help of my friends.
]]>My relationship history is not very impressive. I’ve had one “serious” relationship when I was 8; one internet relationship when I was 15; and one relationship with another Aspie & AD/HD when I was 17. I have never “gone all the way”; though have had one encounter that caused quite a bit of embarrassment. So, relationships in themselves are social situations for which I do not know the ‘protocol’ (as a manager put it).
I flirt, a lot, with many girls (it’s been said way too often that I could flirt for England). Some I know have boyfriends, some I know are single, and some I don’t know much about anyway. None of this bothers me. Maybe it should, but it doesn’t. I know I flirt, and for the most part, it’s harmless; at least I think it’s harmless. I don’t think I mean anything by it, at least not most of the time.
The internet relationship I had when I was 15 broke apart for a simple reason, we never saw each other! Since then, I’ve seen her a few times, and it’s complicated to say the least. I flirt with her, but that’s normal for me. Neither of us knows exactly how we feel for each other, and that’s only the start; I don’t think we’re going anywhere, and I believe that would be for the best. I know she’s engaged to somebody, and that doesn’t bother me. I know it should, in a lot of ways, but it doesn’t.
It’s well-known I fancy/have-a-crush-on some of the young female members of staff at the specialist college I’m at. I know I’ve got no chance whatsoever, and that there’s no point even dreaming. Yet I still flirt, mainly because it’s fun, and because I know I can mostly get away with flirting. I would never take things any further, and I would never make any kind of advances. It doesn’t bother me, but so far nothing has!
Then there’s this young lady, who I feel is really special to me. She’s the only female (outside of those compelled to, like staff) that likes me as a person, is a good friend to me, and (I at least think she) cares about me. She’s the only young lady I can honestly say I like & fancy, but have so far not ballsed-it-up with; normally I would have became obsessive, stalked her, continually complimented her, or otherwise harassed her. There’s something about her that makes her special to me, but I can’t describe it. She is the closest friend I currently have. By empathotypical standards, I am unsure whether it counts as a ‘close’ friendship or not. She’s ‘hot’, but of all the young ladies I’ve thought are ‘hot’ and tried to befriend, she has the weakest personality; yet she is the only one who has managed to keep me appropriate around her. She’s not a weak character, I know she’d stand up to me if I annoyed/harassed her, yet when asked by my support worker, she apparently said my interactions were both good and appropriate. As far as I am aware, she’s single. But I haven’t asked her out, either directly or indirectly (as in “would you like to go for a coffee?”); because I lack the confidence. I have thought of lots of ‘engineered scenarios’ that would remove the need for me to be confident and just to ask her; yet every time I try to set one of these up, I lose bottle and stop myself at the last minute, and end up looking a slight fool thinking quickly of something else to say. The saddest thing of all: none of that bothers me!
To ensure I do keep myself appropriate, I sometimes think of social scenarios I could find myself in with her, and plan my response, her counter-response, and so on. Then, I decide if they were good or not, and think of alternates that could be better. There is one scenario which keeps coming up in my head very often; it’s the ‘her saying “I’ve got a boyfriend”‘ scenario. Every time I think about it, I have the same response; I try to hold back tears, run away to somewhere quiet, and cry for some considerable time whilst I think about how I’m feeling. Of course, I think about the alternates like trying to smile and talk to her, or making a sensible reason to leave and walking away until I can deal with it. But nothing stops me from wanting to cry there and then. That bothers me, it bothers me a lot.
I know I should be happy for her. And it’s that fact that bothers me, that simple fact of know ing how I should feel, but not being able to make myself feel it that bothers me. Her having the boyfriend does bother me, but the level of bother is insignificant in comparison. Sometimes not knowing why one can’t feel the way one should, and knowing that one would not even be able to act in that way can make oneself feel rather low.
Now, I know this entire blog post has effectively been a total waste of time; she likes me as a friend, and not as much as I like her. I respect that. If I had the confidence to ask her out, I’m not so sure that I would. Problem is, I don’t know how ‘close’ we are in terms of empathotypical standards, and I certainly have no clue as to whether we are getting closer or more distant. I know people and their feelings change, what I also know is that they change for both better and for worse. I don’t know if I’ll ask her out, of if she’ll say yes if I did. Maybe, just maybe…
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